Disney's Star Wars: There Is No Hope

Note: Most fictional characters mentioned are the intellectual property of Disney. I am merely making fun of them.

Disney’s Star Wars

Episode XIV: There Is No Hope

A Tragedy in One Act

GEORGE LUCAS ENTERS a studio boardroom. Awaiting him, DISNEY EXECS sit at a long conference table. LUCAS shakes hands with the DISNEY EXECS, and then he takes a seat.

DISNEY EXEC #1: Thanks for meeting with us, George. It means a lot to us that you’d come in and give your blessing to what we’re doing with... ha, ha... your little intergalactic space baby.(chuckles) See what I did there? God, I'm funny.

It’s symbolic of weirdness, I think?

LUCAS: (frowns) The intergalactic space baby was from 2001: A Space Odyssey, not Star Wars.

DISNEY EXEC #1: So then I was speaking metaphorically. I am not familiar with... What was that movie you mentioned? Well, ha, ha, I’m sure it doesn’t hold a candle to the science-fiction brilliance of Star Wars!

DISNEY EXEC #2: I’ve definitely not seen any (creates air quotes with his fingers) Space Odyssey (unquote) action figures in the toy section of Wal-Mart.

DISNEY EXEC #1: HAH! Who needs a space baby when you’ve got Ewoks! God, those were brilliant, George. Mousin’ space bears! Cuddly mousin’ space bears!

 

LUCAS: Mousing?

DISNEY EXEC #2: As representatives of Disney, our contracts forbid us to use certain words. We replace these words with the names of vintage Disney characters. It’s a strangely effective marketing strategy.

DISNEY EXEC #1: That reminds me, I may need to drain the ol' Goofy soon.

LUCAS: Oh.

DISNEY EXEC #2: Well, anyway, George... is it okay that we call you George?

GEORGE nods.

DISNEY EXEC #2: I hope so because there’s a clause in our agreement that says it IS okay, right next to paragraph 60, part B, which includes our total corporate ownership of your soul and our trademarking of your beard. Anyway, George, we want to throw a few of our ideas at you. You know, to get your insight and opinion because, after all, while the Star Wars universe is figuratively, literally, and legally owned by Disney, we still want you on board. You know, because of your hold over nerds and all.

But the beard is all I have left...

DISNEY EXEC #1: They buy more toys than the kids do, George. Way more. It’s definitively sad. But also great for us.

LUCAS: Er... okay.

DISNEY EXEC #1: So, what we want to do with our loosely-defined collaboration, is merge what makes Star Wars (points at George) great with what makes Disney (points at himself) great. We’ve researched a few ideas with Disney’s target audience and we’ve found several favorable and profitable ideas.

DISNEY EXEC #2: Buckle up, George. We’re about to set the Millenium Mallard to hyper-fast.

LUCAS: Falcon. Millenium Falcon.

DISNEY EXEC #1: Hah! NOPE! Millenium Mallard! With an emblem of Donald Duck’s face splashed across the hood! One of our many collaborative tweaks. Don’t worry, we’ll retrofit the name change and new Donald design, among a few other mutually beneficial changes, into the next release of special editions of the special editions of the films. The original prints will go in the Disney vault... permanently, if you know what I mean. (winks)

You know, just slight “tweaks”.

LUCAS: For the prequels, there weren’t prints, I made the prequels digital...

DISNEY EXEC #2: Magnets, George, magnets.

LUCAS: ... ly. Sigh.

DISNEY EXEC #1: Now, George, we first want to get rid of the scrolling text. (air-quote) Reading (unquote) doesn’t test positively with our core audience. Instead, we will have a voice over read by that dude who does the Geico commercials. Or the Family Guy guy.

DISNEY EXEC #2: It’s a classy voice that people will recognize. Plus, he makes fun of Jewish people a lot. Like Walt used to do!

LUCAS: But...

DISNEY EXEC #2: (ignoring Lucas) Fade in on... Yoda. Vintage Star Wars right there. He’s in a swamp on his home planet... called...

DISNEY EXEC #2: (checks his smartphone) Dagobah.

DISNEY EXEC #1: Are you Pigletting me? Couldn’t you have come up with a catchier name, George? Whatever. Dagobah. We can always change it later to Futureland or something better like that. Anyway, Yoda’s sitting on a log. And who’s beside him?

DISNEY EXEC #2: Are you buckled up, George? Buckle up. (stands to check George’s chair) It doesn’t look like you’re buckled, George.

LUCAS: Um...

LUCAS mimes buckling a seatbelt.

DISNEY EXEC #2: Better. (sits)

DISNEY EXEC #1: Yoda and...

DISNEY EXEC #2 begins a mock drum roll with his hands on the conference table.

DISNEY EXEC #1: Kermit the Frog!

DISNEY EXEC #2: BAM! BRAIN-SPLODE! We own the Muppets, homes!

DISNEY EXEC #1: (continuing) Kermit plays the banjo, Yoda a recorder, and they engage in a duet of “It’s Not Easy Being Green”!

DISNEY EXEC #2: Or as Yoda calls it, "Not Easy, Being Green Is", but it’ll be easy MAKING green! We’ll be doing it all the way to the SPACE BANK!

DISNEY EXEC #1: Imagine the amount of T-shirts that scene will sell. Hah! And it’s only scene ONE, George. It’s only scene one.

I’ll never go hungry for flies again!

DISNEY EXEC #2: My Goofy gets all tingly just thinking about it.

LUCAS: Erhm, well, I feel like Kermit the Frog might ruin the illusion of...

DISNEY EXEC #1: Already ahead of you. He’ll be C.G.I, not a felt-covered sock with a hand shoved up his Pluto hole.

LUCAS: No, what I meant was that it might...

DISNEY EXEC #2: Scene two. Cut to a ship of intergalactic pirates. All different kinds of species of aliens, you know, we can get really freaky here. The toy-buying nerds will want to collect one of everything, so we got to come up with lots of different kinds. Like that one scene you did in the first one. Right, George?

LUCAS: The Tatooine bar scene?

DISNEY EXEC #1: It’s now the Adventureland McDonalds scene in our new special edition, special edition. Bars aren’t kid friendly, George. We’re considering a new partnership with McDonalds, so we want to throw them a bone. Got to give people a reason to buy Happy Meals.

A match made in Alderaan.

LUCAS: Well, uh, I do think the pirate scene has some potential. In fact, I’ve had this idea where...

DISNEY EXEC #2: Anyway, wait until we tell you who’ve we got to lead this band of pirates... are you buckled, George?

LUCAS: (sighs) Still buckled.

DISNEY EXEC #2: The captain of the pirate ship is none other than...

DISNEY EXEC #1 gives a mock drum roll with his hands on the conference table.

DISNEY EXEC #2: Captain Jack Sparrow! Portrayed by Johnny Depp, of course. We’ll have him improvise about Wookies or whatever, call them eunuchs and stuff, classic Depp. We won’t have to write any lines for him.

Chewbacca is a eunuch... with really bad eggs... er, line?

LUCAS: Why would Captain...? Um... that doesn’t make sense.

DISNEY EXEC #1: Don’t sweat it. Now that Jerry Bruckheimer is serving as a producer, he’ll handle any Depp demands for weird fedoras.

LUCAS: Jerry... Bruckheimer?

Hey, guys, remember the 90s? God, those were good times.

DISNEY EXEC #2: Even better, guess who is directing?

LUCAS: (hopefully) Spielberg?

DISNEY EXEC #2: Hah! That hack? No way! We got THE Michael Bay!

Did somebody order a d-bag?

LUCAS: (stands) Gentleman, I believe I am going to call it a day. I cannot promote your stale new vision for my bold old universe. Not in good conscience.

DISNEY EXEC #1: I know you're serious, George, because you were rhyming there for a moment, but you’re confusing liking with promoting. Here. (pulls out a check) That’s just to throw your name on the credits. Also, I really think you’re going to love the four new Taylor Swift songs that she’s written for the soundtrack.

My first song is entitled “My Robot-Boyfriend Left me. Wah, Wah, Wah!”

LUCAS: (takes the check) Sigh. When do we begin? (sits down)

End Scene and Relevance of Star Wars as a franchise.