Shakespeare's Delight: MacBeth Version

*to the tune of Rapper’s Delight by Sugarhill Gang*

MacBeth:

What I tell is a tragic tale

not a fable for the weak

so sit right back and listen well

feel free to tap your feet.

They call me Big Mac

when enemies attack

I beat ‘em back into defeat.

My fate foretold by three witches of old

who said the king, I would unseat

But first you gotta--

Lady McB interrupts and joins in:

Chop! Chop!

the ruler and the royal

can’t be loyal if you want

to be the king

Let’s chop! Chop! You don’t stop

cut ‘em up and then you gotta

take his bling!

MacBeth:

Now I see, my Lady McB,

you got the feeling, you got the beat

but when the blood hits the ceiling

though the crown we be stealing

we feel the guilt, can’t take the heat.

When murder is your motto,

you begin to feel a lot o’

G-U-I-L-T

‘cause a former friend to heaven we did send,

King Duncan on a blood-stained sheet.

Lady MacBeth:

Dark doubtin’ which is mountin’

a problem which you’re countin’

ain’t a problem, not for me.

Bloody hands ain’t a problem.

Bloody sheets ain’t a problem.

When you do your own laundry.

Ya’ gotta rub. Rub. Rub-a-dub-dub.

Wash, rinse, and repeat.

I got bleach in a bottle

and this spot TIDE’ll throttle.

Clean my hands and clean this sheet.

MacBeth:

My enemies are callin’

N’ weapons they be drawin’

They’re full of jealousy.

Gotta get ‘em all, gotta kill ‘em all

if I wanna stay the king.

My buddy Banquo

ain’t my buddy no mo’.

He’s a ghost now, haunting me.

Though the blood do’st flow, on the show must go

if I wanna stay the king.

I gotta chop! Chop!

I’m a ruler and a royal,

can’t be loyal if I wanna

stay the king.

Gotta chop! Chop! I can’t stop!

Cut ‘em up so no one else

can challenge me.

Now there’s a Scottish dude

with a bad attitude.

They say I better beware MacDuff,

but he’s scared o’ me and fled the country.

I say that ol’ MacDuff ain’t tough.

Lady MacBeth: (still doing laundry)

Out! Out! You darn spot!

Too much guilt, it’s killin’ me.

Now I’m dissin’ my ambition

and allowin’ this admission:

maybe we shouldn’t have killed the king.

See, my conscience ‘n mind ain’t being kind,

they just won’t let me be.

But I’ll no longer cower

I’ll jump off a tower

and finally get some sleep.

MacBeth:

Dead Duncan’s sons are sons o’ guns

intent on killin’ me

and whatta ya know, that MacDuff fellow

wants revenge for his family.

MacDuff:

I gotta chop! Chop!

He’s a ruler and a royal,

can’t be loyal if I wanna

slay the king!

Gotta chop! Chop! I can’t stop!

Cut ‘em up and avenge my fam-i-ly!

MacBeth:

MacDuff kills me dead

n’ takes my head

You know, it’s a tragedy.

This game of thrones will make you bones,

a moral lesson, learned by me.

FOOD ANNALS #2: The Delicatessan Cycle

HELLO, ALL of you!

You will be happy to know that I write to you, today, in quest of...

 A CYCLING PARTNER!

I AM CURRENTLY ACCEPTING APPLICATIONS--RIGHT NOW!

Please realize, of course, that, when I say, "a cycling partner," what I really mean is a deli partner! THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH BICYCLES!

 Advance apologies for liberal use of memes in this article; you will find them appropriate, I trust.

The deli is a sacred place, bathed in many sacred rituals (and spiced brines, of course). Now, if I am to fully indulge and immerse myself in my own modern cultural heritage, then I can't overlook the deli--America is a giant patchwork quilt, woven together from panels of salami, knockwurst, pastrami, cotto pepper salami, black forest ham, provolone, muenster, gjetost, a variety of flavorful pickles and slaw. 

I hold, too, that the deli is a fixture in the lives of some which borders on religion and, for others, it ought to! Much of religion, pan specia, is heavily concerned with all things seasonal. Therefore, I think a tour of regional delicatessens, with a seasonal theme, is in order. And I'd rather not do this alone!

Are you with me...partner?

IT STARTS!

Spring:

We begin in the Southwest. Not necessarily the "Bobby Flay Southwest," but, like, Arizona and southern California. We will pay visits to Phoenix, Los Angeles, San Diego, San Francisco and Sacramento. The theme of this little dance will be avocado, chipotle, adobo, feta, sourdough, ciabatta, mozzarella, turkey and fish. We'll be gabbing about tropical maladies, celebrities' butts and our most embarrassing high school moment!

Summer:

Summer brings us to the lovely Pacific Northwest, sampling the wares of delis in Olympia, Portland and Eugene. The name of the game, here is black forest ham, roast chicken, cheddar, Monterrey jack, aoili, pesto, sourdough and dark rye! Conversation topics will include the yearly struggles of the Seattle Mariners, self-respect and automotive topics.

Fall:

The Fall takes us through the eastern PNW and down into the Rocky Mountain West. We'll hit up Missoula, Bozeman, Laramie, Denver and Breckenridge. Les Motifs de Manger will be nut breads, baguette, swiss, edam, honey ham, roast beef, mustards and relishes. We'll discuss such subjects as where it all went wrong, repressed childhood traumas and the one that got away!

Winter:

 Winter will see the tour winding down in the western Midwest and western Upper Midwest. The Delinauts will call into such ports as Sioux Falls, Minneapolis, St. Paul, Fargo, Bismarck and Rapid City. Thasty Themes will be cranberry sauce, mayo, chicken breast, steak, pepperjack, limburger, bleu cheese, radicchio, various tomatoes and various peppers! Conversation topics will include, mainly, the ways in which we'd like to die!

Needless to say, this experience would be not only delicious but distinctly, uniquely American. I know I'm not the only one out there who has entertained the desire for such a tasty tour of our great nation! So get at me, today, and we'll hash out the details!