Advice to the Would-Be Coolie

     Naturally, I am often asked, "Kyle? What does it take for someone like me to be cool?" Frankly, while I'm more than happy to offer my widely desired expertise on the subject to the prospectively cool, I would prefer to save myself time and effort, by recording my tips here and making them available to the masses. Free from charge, of course.
     And that brings me to my first tip...

HUMANITARIANISM

     This, basically, means doing what other people want you to do, and it's the first component of coolness. Many would-be coolsters have all the necessary elements, but lack this first, foremost secret.
     In one manner of speaking, being cool is a system of debt and payment. Not unlike a bank. After all, we know bankers and frequenters of banks to be among the cool subculture's greatest movers and shakers.

See? Just look at the Mucho Rad Bux in play, here...

     So do things for other people so that they will owe you return favors! When people know that they owe you for something, they're more likely to want to keep you happy. After a while of wanting to keep you happy, people will tend to instinctively think you're cooler!
     A trick here, of course, is to never call those favors in! If you do, then you'll get your favor, sure, but at the cost of depleting your cool-savings, and people won't feel as much need to please you. You'll find that that will cause your C.Q. (coolness quotient) to gradually start slipping...So, again: HUMANITARIANISM--DO things for people, and don't ask for anything in return!

LINGO

     Whooooa! Check yer neck there, chin-strap! I know you're probably thinking, "Do stuff and don't ask favors! Got it! Simple! On it!" But I'm Kool Time Kyle and I'm here to say, "wait! There's a bunch more stuff!" Coolness is a state of mind, true enough. But what surer way to reinforce your own state of mind than through carefully channeled actions and speech? What I'm getting at, here, is that, to be cool, you must talk cool.
     Try thinking of slick ways to express what you're thinking to the people around you. Sure you could say, "Wow, I'm hungry. Can we get Spaghetti Hut, guys?" Or you could fling a little flare on your gab and say, "Guys, I'm currently scalin' Mount Famished and Spaghetti Summit's in sight. Pit stop. Stat." Better, no?
     Sure, you could just puke out, "Man, I can't believe how drunk I was last night! I hope Sheila's not too shaken up from the crash!" But how about if, instead, you said, "Shaq on a shingle, I was tortilla'd last night! I hope Sheila's not too headlit from that grill-gasher!" See? Doesn't that funky, fun diction just paint the event described as a wacky, good time? That brings me to my next point...

MASTER YOURSELF

     The aspirant Guru of Cool-thulhu (that's a freebie, dolls!) is a master of him/her-self, a master of his/her appearance, bearing and habits. To achieve true cool and keep your C.Q. consistently high, you must be in control of yourself.
     Why? Well, you craft and sculpt your self and your image for the same reason that you craft and sculpt your speech: to, in turn, craft and sculpt others' perceptions of you! Just as you want to sound like a good time, you also want to look like a good time.
     This starts from within a particular section of the soul, called the "Rad-ass Sector." Check any biology book. Now, tapping into your on Rad-ass Sector is something you will have to figure out on your own; we all have one, but we must tap into ours in our own way. But that's no reason for not looking the part! Grab some fabric paint! Got a shirt with a brain on it? Try a brain--lifting weights--on for size! Fits a little cooler, doesn't it? Got a shirt with a picture of some food on it? Try the minimalist approach and caption it, "P-A-R-T-Y, because I like to." Got a shirt with a dinosaur on it? Good job, that's already pretty cool. A plain shirt? Throw it out. Lame cheese. Remember--the key, here, is to visually exude the idea of a good time.

...beats readin', don't it?

"THE SHADES FACTOR"

     It's no secret that shades (sunglasses, OcculArmor, whatever term you prefer) have always functioned as something of an amplifier for the ol' C.Q. It might seem a little "trad" of me, but I have to say that old strategy still holds true. However, just like some cooks short their food on flavor by adding too little salt, so too do many cool hopefuls short-sheet their own savor by only applying one or, at most, two pairs of shades. Go hog wild, I say.
     For Christmas, save yourself the trouble of digging out those dusty, musty old boxes of lights and ornaments and instead decorate your Yule Twig with shades! The freed up Christmas lights can then be used to adorn a pair of shades for YOU! Why bother with an Uncle Sam top hat on July 4th, when a stack of shades, lashed to your head will serve just as well? Thanksgiving's coming around? Season that cranberry sauce with shades for "CoolEating(tm)!" Cool Whip? Not if isn't smeared on shades.
     The face is key, sure, but don't forget the rest of your body! I've never seen a pair of flip-flops that wouldn't have looked a lot more awesome with a set of shades perched on them. Hot glue shades to your shoulders, your knees, your elbows--hell, even your belly, back and bee-hind! Generally speaking, you'll need to take the time to make your own individual tweaks to these strategies, but the shades factor is the exception: too many shades is enough shades. Enough? Is never enough.

     Following these tips is sure to increase your base C.Q. and gain you access to the ground floor of Cooldom. Now, with patience, dedicated application of these principles, and an eye towards eventually putting your own unique spin on these tactics, as you gain expertise, you may achieve Cool-thulhu Guru status, yourself.
     Just remember it all starts with humanitarianism and ends with shades. So, y'know, take this crate of 1990's Oakleys off my hands. Call it a favor. I'll owe you one.