Associated Press-- Holiday Spirit and Christmas Cheer were allegedly trampled to death by swarming Black Friday shoppers who were attempting to flood a Wal-Mart store to nab great deals on pantyhose and the hottest holiday toys, including Molest-Me Elmos.
Lower… lower… yeah, there! Tee hee! That tickles!
These are only the latest fatalities. Alongside various children, disabled people, and the elderly, famed virtues Good Humor and Patience also have been killed on previous Black Fridays in recent years.
“I don’t know why I bother anymore,” says Santa Claus from his workshop in the North Pole. Santa, the world’s preeminent reindeer breeder, is said to have been very close to both of the deceased.
He continues, “I sweat my tail off every year making toys when people would rather murder each other in a consumerist stampede to buy some poorly-made garbage fresh off an assembly line. I mean have you seen the latest Barbies? The craftsmanship on those things are laughable! Ho, ho, ho! See? Laughable!”
Barbie could not be reached for comment.
Santa’s bummer of a quote is not alone. Others have their own reasons for grief. Famed author Charles Dickens says, “Hey, remember that book I wrote almost two hundred years ago? A Christmas Carol? Remember how that was about how money and greed turns you into a terrible person? Um… did anyone ever read that?”
You’re all lucky I’m dead, or I’d have to write a serious novel about this.
When this question is posed to an eager shopper standing outside a Target on Thanksgiving evening a.k.a. Black Friday Eve, she says, “Hah! Did you say something about Dick something? That’s hilarious.” She then proceeds to giggle for fifteen minutes and never answers the question.
Frosty the Snowman says, “How am I supposed to have a holly jolly Christmas without Christmas Cheer and Holiday Spirit? Instead of a cup of cheer, now I have to drink hot chocolate… mmmm, not so ba… OH GOD, IT BURNS! AAAAAAAAARRRGGGGGH!”
This was a bad idea.
In a related note, it is believed that baby Jesus may have returned to Earth but was crushed in an avalanche of cheap, off-brand televisions which had been jostled by customers in a local Best Buy.
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